- I’m writing to you today, because I have spent a great deal of time thinking about death and grieving. When our loved ones pass, like Zack did so many years ago now, it leaves a massive hole in your heart.
- At first you look toward words or others to fix that hole, and you soon realize that people say the craziest things like, “Everything happens for a reason,” or “Time heals all wounds,” or “God gives us only what we can handle.” Even though that might be true, nothing said can diminish or explain away the pain.
- I have come to believe, after many years of trying to close up that hole, that when the pain is fresh and new, we shouldn’t try to fill that hole up. Let it be. Don’t try to take the pain away. Grief and pain are like joy and peace; they are sacred. They are part of each person’s journey.
- My brother Zack was stabbed to death in 1987. He was 21 years old. It took me over twenty years to forgive the man that murdered my brother. Forgiveness closed the hole in my heart, but it took time. Lots and lots of time. In the meantime, I learned about human dignity and loving each other with compassion and grace … the hard way. I was so very angry, sad, mad, and angst filled my heart.
- Trying to num the pain only makes the hole bigger. Drugs, alcohol, too much food, or too much exercise, along with too much shopping and too much working doesn’t actually work. It’s like that old song we used to sing, “Going on a Bear Hunt.” You just have to go through it. There’s no going around it.
- Grief is not something to be fixed. It’s something to be borne together. And when the time is right, there is always something that is born from it. After real grief, we are reborn as people with wider and deeper vision and greater compassion for the pain of others. We know that. Trust that good will come of our grief, but it’s something that you will discover on your own, on your own timing.
- Forgiveness helps. Petting the dog, writing, and doing the ordinary things like mowing the yard, washing dishes, playing with kids, help. It’s okay to be brokenhearted. Feel it. Don’t hide from it. Go on a hike. Ride a bike.
- Find your “NO” button and guard that hole in your heart. It’s a tricky hole. You don’t want it to get bigger trying to shrink it. Say, “NO” to stuff you know that doesn’t work. Say, “YES” to sunsets, sand, and surf.
- Lastly, you have each other. Be kind. It’s like your soul has been blistered in the sun. Be the ointment for each other. There is no relationship that runs quite as deep or survives quite as long as those among family. No one knows you as well as your brothers and sisters, aunts and cousins, or parents. You’ve been stuck together since birth. Use that glue to help this aching spot in your heart …don’t tear each other apart, because you know what buttons to push. You are not alone on this journey. You have each other. That’s a very good thing.
- It does hurt and it’s going to hurt some more. Own it. Go through it. Feel it. Honor it. I know that doesn’t sound like good or easy advice, and you don’t have to follow it. Whatever journey you take is the right journey for you and it all works out in the end. That’s the beauty of the grieving process.
- Love your family! It’s a messy, beautiful life we all have.
- Please protect the hole in you heart.
May peace, love, and dignity prevail,
Sara McAlister-Enochs
